i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
