My hair reeks of homosexuality.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
