i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize