I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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