I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
