Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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