Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
