The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You can't just leave with hair like that
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
