I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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