remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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