Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
