I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
