just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
