Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
