Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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