ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
