My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I faked an abortion last night.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
