he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
