im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
