At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
