After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize