Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
