There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
