first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
