I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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