Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
