She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
