I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Success! We fucked roommates!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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