so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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