Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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