I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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