you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Im just a social blackout drinker.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
