dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize