Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's official drugs can't kill me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
