im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
