we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
