I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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