I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
