Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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