Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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