I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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