Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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