FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
BRING THE BAGELS
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
