forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
