So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
is that a dick in a sweater?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
