how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
