He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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