I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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