I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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