I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
