I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
