all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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