I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
