Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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