Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
