i wish my penis had a tongue
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
