dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
