My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just pee around me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
