Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
