Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
