So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
