Nicole vs. Life
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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