There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
