Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
