U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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