I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
