The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
