I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
