So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So many bounce houses so little time
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
