the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
