it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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